(This was going to go to McSweeney’s but things developed too fast.)
Russia: Hey NATO, get away from my wife.
NATO: All I did was say hello.
Russia: What, are you trying to get at me through her?
Ukraine: NATO can I come stay with you? Russia smacks me around sometimes.
NATO: Dude, not okay. Ukraine, I can help you defend yourself, but that doesn’t mean you’re moving in with me.
Russia: She is MY wife. Coming anywhere near her is an affront to me.
NATO: I haven’t said she can come over.
Russia: I am going to take her back.
Ukraine: I’m not coming back to you, Russia. We’re through. NATO understands that.
Russia: You have betrayed me, Ukraine, but okay. You can have the house. We will split the kids. I will take Crimea and Donbas; you can have Kyiv.
NATO: I haven’t done anything with her. But if she can have the house, why are you standing on the doorstep?
Russia: I am nowhere near the doorstep. But you are obviously in bed with NATO, Ukraine, so the deal is off. I am taking Kyiv.
NATO: I didn’t touch her.
Ukraine: Don’t let him take my kids. He hurts them too.
NATO: Can we please just talk calmly about this?
Russia: I am evicting your people, NATO. Be glad I am choosing the diplomatic route. I am not a bully like you. Let us talk about what we all agreed to in Minsk.
Ukraine: We all knew Minsk wasn’t going to work. Now he’s going to take the house too.
Russia: She is hysterical. See, I am walking away.
Ukraine: He’s not walking away. He went to get a crowbar.
NATO: Dude, back off. She has a right to decide if she wants to be with you or not.
Russia: You have always had it in for me, NATO, but I must protect my family. We could work this out if it were not for you.
Ukraine: I’m not your family anymore.
Russia: I was not talking about you. (Slaps her.)
NATO: Get away from her, Russia.
Russia: You are not listening to me. You are disrespecting me. I told you to get yourself and all your family out of my sight, and all you do is lecture me about how I am treating Ukraine. I have the right to protect myself.
NATO: I was trying not to get involved, but now that you mention it, I’m calling everyone to come here.
Russia: You are a bully.